A NIGHT ON A MOUNTAIN

credits to the owner of the photo
credits to the owner of the photo

Self, you are mistaken
If you think you’re not worth a shot;
If you think you’re not valued;
If you think you’re not loved;
Everything – that’s what you’ve got;
It’s only a matter of how, when
But definitely not what.

July 29, 2012 – I wrote it when I felt so dumped down by life’s overwhelming struggles. Funny how it takes an accumulated number of days, weeks, months before you realize that all of your life’s troubles  had mounted up to an overpowering height yet, no matter how tall it stands, a single word from God is only what it takes to take it all down and away.

I heard this phrase a lot, “God can move mountains”.  Before, I used to take it literally, well, if it really has to be taken literally then it is indeed very easy for Him to do so.  But what happened tonight between me and Him proved that those mountains were not just referred to those that belong to mother nature but more so to those that belong to human nature.

I realized how shaky my faith was and I realized how permanent God’s love was.  I was telling God how tired I am of my work and how it seems like my efforts had gone to nothing.  I was tired of losing the people I cared for and no matter how I tried to be a good friend, it still wasn’t good enough to keep them.   I was thinking about my inability to address the financial needs of my mom and at home.  I was thinking about those times when I tried to set a certain amount from my wage as savings and how it vanished away, unnoticed.  Confusion took its place and words were ringing at the back of my mind, asking “God why are you allowing this to happen?  Are you afraid that I might change if I’ll prosper in my finances?” I was crying so hard and in between those cries I uttered, “Lord you know me…” and those words kept on coming out of my mouth repeatedly.  I acted like a baby, longing to hear some answers from my heavenly  Father.  Few moments later, my subconscious mind blurted out, “Lord, I am not a bad person, You know that.”  Tears clouded my eyes, and subsequently a voice inside me whispered, “There, now you’re aware that you are not as bad as you think you are.  At least you come to realize that because every time something goes out of kilter, you would put the blame on yourself.”

I was hugging my Bible in that moment, asking God to speak to me.  I read the verse that my eyes first set upon, but I find the meaning to be so vague, so I honestly told Him, “Lord, I did not understand what You just said, please help me and make me understand what You really wanted to tell me.”

When I pressed on to the next page, it was in Psalms 118:1-9 and it says:

Give thanks to the Lord, because He is good,
and His love is eternal.
Let the people of Israel say,
“His love is eternal.”
Let the priests of God say,
“His love is eternal.”
Let all who worshiped Him say,
“His love is eternal.”
In my distress I called to the Lord;
He answered me and set me free.
The Lord is with me, I will not be afraid;
what can anyone do to me?
It is the Lord who helps me,
and I will see my enemies defeated.
It is better to trust in the Lord
than to depend on people.
It is better to trust in the Lord
than to depend on human leaders.

Before I even finished reading, my tears flowed out abundantly as I felt my pain being cleansed and washed away. I was smiling and laughing my hurts out amidst the tears because I remembered how blessed I am despite the problems and negativity around.  I just realized once again how amazing God was, is, and will be.

This was not the only time where I blurted out to Him.  Several times did I hand over to Him a damaged, ripped-self me and countless times did He give back a renewed, improved me.

What happened tonight may not be the last.  But what happened tonight, I pray, would remind me that no matter how high and huge my mountains are, my God can always move it away.

 

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LET GO AND LIVE

credits to the owner of the photo
credits to the owner of the photo

Life is not bound to be forced or chased.  It was made to be enjoyed freely, yet the desires that lay within a person’s heart have slowly climbed to the upper portion of the ladder and surprisingly took over the driver’s seat for control.  Beyond dreams and ambitions, is there any other thing that pushes an individual to chase what life refuses to offer for the current time?

Funny how I tried to think over and over again just to find some answers to the preceding question yet come up with no better answer than dreams and ambitions as well.  It’s a strong motivation that I discovered over the years for chasing life’s precious yeses in every opportunity that knocks at the door.

Many lives in the present were left behind because people were too busy living either in the past or in the future.  Are you one of them?

We go to school to earn the best degree so that we can work in a high class corporation with an exceptional salary.  We wanted to live in a well-furnished house, drive a luxury car, and have the capability to purchase our needs and wants.

However, there are those stories of individuals who worked twice as hard as they could because they wanted to be able to share to those who are less fortunate.  They call them unselfish act of kindness and it’s uplifting to know that in the middle of crisis and chaos these days, there are still those who think not only of their own welfares but of others as well.

And there you have it.  It’s our individual desires that keep those flames burning and those feet running towards a certain goal.  It’s broad and we can never get the time to enumerate what’s in the list one by one.

For some, it’s the desire to be appreciated especially when they have spent most of their lives being bullied and looked down by those what society defined as superior.  Sometimes it’s the pain and the desire to escape the blows of reality especially if we wanted to prove to ourselves and others that we deserve better than to be hurt.  Sometimes we wanted to chase the positivity of life because we are driven by fear of what might possibly occur if we will remain in the darkness of its shadows.  We chase life because we never see our current situation as something that can be contented with.  We chase life because we knew that somewhere out there, there are new beginnings and perhaps better endings.  We chase life because we wanted to be better, wiser, and more successful and fulfilled.

It’s not really that we tie greediness along our neck; we just wanted to live a life that we think is better and more suited for us.  But when we get our feet landed on tomorrow’s roads, did we really get what we wanted?  Did it really change our present situation?  Did it really alter what we think is an unfair past and a compromised future?  Or did we just discover how wrong we were for forcing to attain what was really never destined to be ours?

Often, at the end of our journey, we all get to get some wounds and bruises.  We obtained them as we faced our individual battles along the way.  For some, those bruises are well deserved and made them feel fulfilled as they reached out for life’s precious gifts of success.  However, for some, those wounds reminded them how much they fail as they see their dreams flew much farther after chasing it for almost their entire lives.

When do we stop?

Should we?

Here’s a good story from Criminal Minds Season 7:

A boxer was hunted for his criminal acts of beating people to death.  His adrenaline would immediately jump up at the sight of blood which became the reason for him to give more brutal blows to his opponent. He had a son named Ryan who was suffering from leukemia and he wanted him to develop the same strong spirit that he possesses as a fighter.

One day, he fought at the MMA and the fight didn’t go too well.  He was defeated and was brought to the hospital where his son was also admitted.

When he woke up, he immediately looked for his son but one of the agents told him that Ryan is dying and he needed to be there not as a fighter, not as a trainer, but as a father.

So Jimmy went to the boy and said:  “When I was in that ring getting punched over and over again, I figured out something.  Sometimes, I want to fight but my body, it keeps telling me to stop.  And it doesn’t matter how hard I punch I just can’t do it.  And when that happens Ryan, do you know what I do?  I let go.  And what I figured out is…letting go doesn’t mean that you’re a quitter.  It doesn’t mean that you lost.  It just means that you realize in that moment that it’s time to let go and move on. So if it’s time Ryan, it’s all right because you fought a hell of a fight.”

So shall we leave our lives as it is?  Should we be contented for what we currently have?  I say no.

We have these individual desires planted in the deepest part of our hearts.  In most cases, it is where we draw our strength to fight every obstacle that comes our way.  It drives us to be better, stronger, and wiser.  We all have our dreams and ambitions and it’s normal to go out and reach for them.  Sometimes, those dreams are intended for us and sometimes they were allotted for somebody else.  Sometimes they were intended to be reached through other means and maybe it’s one of the reasons why we often encounter failure in every attempt because in the first place it was not designed to be achieved in such manner.

Most of us are driven by famous quotes of not giving up and reach for one’s dreams that we tend to forget the other side of the story that in life, you just can’t have everything.

This is not telling you to give up rather, it’s telling you when to stop chasing and start living the life you currently have.  Enjoy the ride rather than focusing and being anxious of where you’ve been or where you are heading.  After all, life is full of surprises, who knows, yours might just be better than you expected.

SIDES

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credits to the owner of the photo

When a candle stands still in a corner, it’s a doubt if its importance will be recognized, not unless when it’ll be lighted with a match and its beam will be allowed to embrace everything.  It would take some time before the candle contracts and its light to expire but it takes a lifetime to gather and build up the components that once made it complete.

If loving a person was a sin, then, many would have been jailed long before lovers emerged.  If overlooking a person was a crime, then, many would have been punished long before heartaches arise.  Justice just won’t work on love, because if it does, no shadows of affliction will be traced from the minds and hearts of individuals who were once part of its tempestuous game.

We often reprimand the person for being so silly and stupid in getting oneself caught in the trap, nor hesitated to convey the instructions of not committing the same mistakes again.  But the question is, “who set the bait”?

Loving somebody has always been the greatest thing an individual can do and when time entails for that person to be set free, doing so would be the greatest sacrifice an individual can act upon.  Unfortunately, majority is just too preoccupied with their own concerns that’s why, more often than not, the needs of others would go unnoticed.

Love, by its nature, has never had a place for selfishness; rather it demands a spot for consideration and understanding.  A person who is under the magic spell of love is placing oneself in the midst of the sea who tries to stand against its impregnable winds and monstrous waves.  That person is willing to give the love of his life everything and sacrifice anything, yet words would somehow hesitate to come out from one’s mouth even when that stroke of love was not reciprocated.

Loving somebody demands the courage to do it unconditionally, which means, nothing is expected in return.  It does hurt when one founds out that the person he loved doesn’t love him the way he expected him to.  What intensified the pain was when that person found out that he keeps on loving him but he doesn’t love him back in return.  That’s what life is.  That’s what love is.

Love’s nature is free.  We just can’t teach anyone to love us.  We bestow our hearts fully to someone, but sometimes, when we get it back, that person has already left a scar on it.  It’s even worse when that person whom we bestowed our hearts to doesn’t have the slightest idea that by ignoring us, half of ourselves had been slowly obliterated.

Love is a foundation for us to be strong, but sometimes we became too strong, that we fail to handle our own strength.

Didn’t we do all that was mentioned above for our loved ones? Sacrificing? Didn’t we go along with the concepts?

Silence can express the “yes” in our hearts.

It’s just that, during the night when the stars sparkle and shine, we keep on looking for the rays of the sun.  We tend to go farther to find the person we believed was destined to us.  We often search higher and beyond our periphery, not knowing that we were already snubbing the presence of what we were searching for.  We never dare to give that person the importance he deserved because we’d rather confer it to someone who has been wasting our affections.

But waiting should always come to an end and the shadows of the past will always have a memory to tell.  We often realize our mistakes at the very last minute of a situation.  Yes, it’s not yet too late, but when did love become punctual?

Sometimes, we don’t mind as the candle continues to fade away, until such time, when darkness covers us entirely, that we begin searching for the useful material we once had.

 

CONFUSED

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Some events are quite confusing and it’s just not enough no matter how hard you dig into the burrows in an attempt to understand what is happening around. Well at least you tried. Yet, there are days where you’ll prefer to leave out all the rest to fate especially when everything seems to seep out all sorts of hopes and optimism you planted inside yourself just to hold on to what you believe is true; however, these days just won’t last that long because no matter how hard you force yourself to conform to your own tactics of persuasion, reality would eventually snap its fingers right into your very eyes and bring you back to where your feet is exactly standing. Often, pain is inevitable when you open your eyes to what reality brings and it could be two things, either it will break and help you become stronger or it’ll break you and leave you broken into tiny pieces. As what majority would say, “The choice is yours”. True enough but dare to acknowledge the fact that the battle of choosing which is better between the two is not an easy task. And I say “it’s where you have to put faith over fate when it comes to decision making”.

We are made to be here for a reason. My existence is not an accident and so is yours. Yet, at some point in our busy lives, we tend to forget the reason behind our existence and often end up living other people’s lives and dreams, or even living for the sake of meeting their expectations and finding them pleased and satisfied. What makes it worse is when we end up losing our own selves just to find them.

It’s quite confusing that even if we fight for them, they are quite too busy fighting for something else, except you. Fighting a good fight would require an invincible shield and armor – inside and out, because no matter how hard you try to resist the bullets and swords from the outside field, there will always be an ongoing battle with chains and arrows from the inside that could rip you apart, leaving you with jagged wounds and scars for who knows how long.

Life is confusing – if you do not know why and for whom you are living.

LOSING YOUR GRIP?

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For some time, you may have struggled a lot. It may be because of your family, friends, work, or matters of the heart. For some time, you may have thought of giving up the life you once lived in exchange for a life you wanted to live. But has it ever crossed your mind why it never worked that way?

Problems are but a part of our existence as humans. It is a problem though if you see it that way. Have you ever considered it as a blessing rather? Yes, every single one of it. Nothing in this world really “just happens”. Everything has its purpose and that’s why, if you have observed, the events in our lives are somehow intertwined to each other, which proves that our existence is not based on coincidences but rather a life with a purpose.

There is a reason behind your struggles. There is a reason behind your hurts. There is a reason behind your tears. There is a reason behind your pain. There is a reason behind every “was”, “is”, and “will be” in your life, that’s why no matter how hard these challenges presses you down, always try even harder to rise back up.

Stop stepping over yourself just because you’re going through a lot of hurdles these days. While others carry a lighter burden, there will always be somebody else whose dilemmas are heavier than yours and those people might have wished to wear your shoes rather than theirs.

There is a reason why you’re riding the kind of life you have right now. There is a reason why you met the people who loved, hurt, left, appreciated, dumped, accepted, hated, valued, and rejected you. But the common denominator is because there is something you needed to know, learn, and see.

Our tomorrows are always full of blessings and surprises but most of the time, rather than feeling and embracing the excitement it brings, we often opt for our hearts and minds to clasp on fears of the uncertainties it carries along. Our fears often caught us off guard because the parapets we build around might be a little bit enough to hold our prides in place but not our faith. What is your parapet made of?

The thing is we are so blessed to have these challenges, problems, dilemmas, whatever you call them, around. These are the fires that will test and mold us to become what we were really meant to be – better. It presses us to learn things which were never taught at school. It taught us to live, to laugh, to love, even if living seemed not so easy, laughing seemed to be forced and loving seemed to bring some hurts along. It is such a blessing because through these tests, we were once again emptied and therefore, God can fill us once more. It is such a blessing that once again we have witnessed our weaknesses and saw how mighty God is as He works continuously in our lives. It is such a blessing that once again, we were reminded of God’s great love for us.

Let’s face it. Sometimes we only turn our faces up the heavens when we were already lying on our backs. Most of the time, the world fascinates us so much that we tend to forget what our mission is. The enjoyment it brings is addictive but no matter how sweet its taste is, it can never satisfy the desires of the human heart and mind, for only God can fill our hungry souls.

Feel blessed when you encounter any forms of hitches and bumps in life for one thing is for sure – God is working on you. Problems are but a tap and knock from God to remind us to put our feet back on the right track by following His lead.

Do not be afraid to open your heart to Him. True enough that the enjoyment you once felt with the world will diminish but it will soon be replaced with the kind of happiness and joy that you’ve always longed for –untainted, overflowing, genuine, and real.

 

Win Your Courage, Not Your Fear

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We are all afraid of something – afraid to be alone, left behind, hurt, discouraged, disappointed, weak, stupid, clumsy, poor, dumped, criticized, laughed at, fooled, bullied, talked about, underestimated, judged, rejected.   Most of the times, these fears would overpower our faith and we start to sway sideways until such time when we fail to hold on tightly to our stance that we get uprooted by these things.

Staying strong and firm is not an easy task, but it’s the only way by which we can withstand the storms that would often knock surprisingly at our doorstep.

We wanted to run away from all these negative emotions that dragged us down to our lowest feeling of self-worth, yet the more we carry our feet away from it, the more we cultivate it and the more we lose the opportunity to learn the steps on how to deal with it.

Taking the blows does not necessarily mean that we let ourselves be wounded and scarred for life.  We may get hit and bruised for some time, but we will come to a point where we learn how to dance with its every rage.

We need to face what we feared about because at the end of the day, it is the only way by which we can identify what really seeps our courage out and away from us.

Let’s not get tired of winning back our faith and courage but let us put an end to those instances of losing it just because we are afraid of something.

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