I was lying on my back and fixed my eyes at the ceiling. It was hot and sunny outside. I was alone in our little, rented house and this gave me the opportunity to allow my mind to wander. Quickly, an image appeared in my head. It was a girl. She was happy, vibrant, and free. I saw her fought every trial with faith and hope and never despaired even if what she was facing almost seemed impossible to conquer.
I was back to my senses. I felt a huge part of me was gone and all that is left is a deep excavation, filled with blood and tears. I realized that the girl who appeared as happy, vibrant, and free, was the same girl who now live a life of sadness, emptiness, and fear – me.
What have I done? Suddenly, I felt a deep longing for my old self. Is it a part of change? Maybe, but how long will I keep on changing? It was during that moment that I realized that I did change a lot. I recall some of my friends telling me that they could no longer see the old me and how they miss it. They described my present personality as stiff and unwelcoming, and I told them, ‘indeed, I constructed walls and parapets around myself so that no one could hurt me’. I did not know that time is not only an instrument used to heal wounds, but it can also cultivate what you’ve planted. I chose to build thick fences so that I will know who will have the courage to bring it down and also identify those people who would merely be fascinated and contented in observing the view from the outside. Pretty tough, yes, but only those people who don’t easily lose heart will discover that behind those walls, lays a heart that really needs to be mended. Only then did I realize that my walls have grown too thick, and many find difficulty in breaking and breaching it.
I protected my heart because I can no longer take the pain inflicted by the people whom I thought I can trust and people whom I thought would never hurt me, and people whom I thought understood me and what I was going through. Sometimes, I would think that maybe it was my fault that’s why I became someone like this, but the more I tried to analyze the situation, the more I realized that I changed because I needed to.
We always dreamed and wished to change for the better, yet, some dreams are better left off as dreams, while others are granted and pursued until it emerges on the stage of reality. Sometimes, we thought that the one we fought for was the best option to choose, only to realize that we neglected the one that really matters. Some call it regret, others call it a lesson; I consider them, both.
I learned my lesson when I decided to cover my soft spots and utilized the other side of me, but I did not regret it. It was my decision. In life, we can’t always be right. We make wrong choices that are often accompanied by severe consequences. However, it is through living and accepting those consequences can we truly understand what the lesson of that faulty decision is all about. We can’t live a life that is haunted and filled with regrets; otherwise, we will always be a prisoner of our own stories and life experiences.
I chose to become numb because I knew how it felt to be so sensitive, emotional, and soft. I decided to change because almost everything around me is pushing me to. Maybe I did change for the worse in someone else’s eyes. So what? There are times when we need to undergo through a worst situation so that we can learn how to appreciate the best events even more.
I am not the same girl who is happy, vibrant, and free – for now. But, like one of my favorite phrases, “I am always a work in progress”.