credits to the owner of the photo
credits to the owner of the photo

Self, you are mistaken
If you think you’re not worth a shot;
If you think you’re not valued;
If you think you’re not loved;
Everything – that’s what you’ve got;
It’s only a matter of how, when
But definitely not what.

July 29, 2012 – I wrote it when I felt so dumped down by life’s overwhelming struggles. Funny how it takes an accumulated number of days, weeks, months before you realize that all of your life’s troubles  had mounted up to an overpowering height yet, no matter how tall it stands, a single word from God is only what it takes to take it all down and away.

I heard this phrase a lot, “God can move mountains”.  Before, I used to take it literally, well, if it really has to be taken literally then it is indeed very easy for Him to do so.  But what happened tonight between me and Him proved that those mountains were not just referred to those that belong to mother nature but more so to those that belong to human nature.

I realized how shaky my faith was and I realized how permanent God’s love was.  I was telling God how tired I am of my work and how it seems like my efforts had gone to nothing.  I was tired of losing the people I cared for and no matter how I tried to be a good friend, it still wasn’t good enough to keep them.   I was thinking about my inability to address the financial needs of my mom and at home.  I was thinking about those times when I tried to set a certain amount from my wage as savings and how it vanished away, unnoticed.  Confusion took its place and words were ringing at the back of my mind, asking “God why are you allowing this to happen?  Are you afraid that I might change if I’ll prosper in my finances?” I was crying so hard and in between those cries I uttered, “Lord you know me…” and those words kept on coming out of my mouth repeatedly.  I acted like a baby, longing to hear some answers from my heavenly  Father.  Few moments later, my subconscious mind blurted out, “Lord, I am not a bad person, You know that.”  Tears clouded my eyes, and subsequently a voice inside me whispered, “There, now you’re aware that you are not as bad as you think you are.  At least you come to realize that because every time something goes out of kilter, you would put the blame on yourself.”

I was hugging my Bible in that moment, asking God to speak to me.  I read the verse that my eyes first set upon, but I find the meaning to be so vague, so I honestly told Him, “Lord, I did not understand what You just said, please help me and make me understand what You really wanted to tell me.”

When I pressed on to the next page, it was in Psalms 118:1-9 and it says:

Give thanks to the Lord, because He is good,
and His love is eternal.
Let the people of Israel say,
“His love is eternal.”
Let the priests of God say,
“His love is eternal.”
Let all who worshiped Him say,
“His love is eternal.”
In my distress I called to the Lord;
He answered me and set me free.
The Lord is with me, I will not be afraid;
what can anyone do to me?
It is the Lord who helps me,
and I will see my enemies defeated.
It is better to trust in the Lord
than to depend on people.
It is better to trust in the Lord
than to depend on human leaders.

Before I even finished reading, my tears flowed out abundantly as I felt my pain being cleansed and washed away. I was smiling and laughing my hurts out amidst the tears because I remembered how blessed I am despite the problems and negativity around.  I just realized once again how amazing God was, is, and will be.

This was not the only time where I blurted out to Him.  Several times did I hand over to Him a damaged, ripped-self me and countless times did He give back a renewed, improved me.

What happened tonight may not be the last.  But what happened tonight, I pray, would remind me that no matter how high and huge my mountains are, my God can always move it away.



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